Okay well its a bit of a long story... :)
keep in mind i've never drank anything or done any drug in my life lol because hoenstly some of this stuff just seems out of a movie or a book.
For the past week i've been seriously considering suicide. I haven't been to this point in a while, i was cutting again, A LOT. Last night I was set on how much i hated my life, that there was not one thing that made me happy or smile. I cried constantly and never wanted to leave home. I was planning on ending it, i just didn't know how. I decided to go for a drive, and i live right on the foothills so i went up near Horsetooth reservoir and sat in my car blasting music for a bit. Than i just started driving through fort collins. I felt like a walk strangely enough, and even more odd, i thought i'd go to old town (the downtown here) and just walk around. There was a good amount of people walking, in out of clubs and bars, and a few people were playing guitar and violins and singing. I decided to sit down on a bunch that faced a club. I just watched people walk by, contemplating how depressed i was, and how i didn't want to live and nobody here knew it.
This guy walked over and sat a bench away from me, and just said "Hi hows it going?" And of course i just said "i'm bored". He scooted a little closer, but still a good distance away to not be a total creeper and introduced himself as Justin. He looked me straight in the eye and just said "you're going to be okay...i can just see it in your eyes, you have passion for so much, and you were meant to do great things". I was smiling and saying thank you almost believing this was some sort of pick up line, but it was so surreal i almost started crying. i started talking a little bit and just said how much i love art, writing and music, and that i was going to CSU and He just smiled and shook his head and said "see i have this gift of looking into someones eyes and knowing when they have that special gift inside of them. you are so intelligent, i think you even know that you have so much inside of you that people need to hear." He started talking about his passions...he said "there are three things that my life is about 1. Love, 2. Being around loved ones, 3. giving, being patient and helping people. patience is such a difficult thing to understand, but it makes the biggest difference." I was just in awe every time he spoke.
We walked around busy old town for a while, he talked to me and it seemed that his words should be in a book. We spoke about art and music, and then we sat down again. He had green eyes, and they were the most peaceful things i had ever seen. He looked and said "i know you have been through a lot with your brothers"..(yeah he said BROTHERS! i never once mentioned anything about my family or siblings!)..he continued, "i know you've dealt with a lot, but you were put here for a reason, and you have to live out that purpose because you were meant to help people". I seriously almost started to cry, but just smiled instead. he said "some people are dying inside, and that creates a hard exterior, but once you start to live again the walls fall down. I can see so much love inside of you, and you just need to let yourself love and not worry so much". I mean this wasn't some lecture i attended...he was talking directly to me. He said that with all the problems and complications in life, the things you wanted to do become what you won't do and then what you won't do, turn into what you "cant" do and cant's turn into death.
I know this all sounds crazy...and i mean i saw it from the "this person is crazy" perspective, but everything about him was so pure and without any agenda behind what he was saying. He gave me his phone number and said to call him if i ever felt like that again. He didn't ask for mine, he just offered help. A stranger did. And honestly ... i am the most non-religious person in so many ways, don't get me started, but this wasn't about religion, it was just about being saved. I told my mom last night all about it, and i started crying about it. It just felt that he was sent to me for some reason, to save me or give me hope. It was like I had really hit rock bottom and God or whatever knew i needed something real and straight forward.
It all feels unreal, but i left old town so lifted, feeling so happy. I still feel i need something for my anxiety haha but i feel like i am meant for something important, and that is all i really needed.
It didn't matter how much my friends or family or boyfriend told me the same thing, this felt like it was bigger than me, it seriously felt like i was talking to jesus haha. And he cussed a lot too, so obviously cussing ok :) He was way too smart, enlightened and hopeful than any normal person. And I'm not going to start being religious or going to church, but I'm beginning to think its not about any specific religion or guidelines of going to Mass all the time. It's just about living for your passions, and helping people.
It was so crazy, i wish someone were there to witness it, so i didn't sound like i just had a dream or imagined it all haha. anyway...i hope that made sense, it makes me happy just thinking about it. A complete 180 from yesterday. I feel good :)
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